Cynthia looked up, opening her eyes slowly. Across the chrome table she made eye contact
with Jane, her sister-in-law. Jane’s
mouth turned up slightly in the right-hand corner. Cynthia tried hard not to make a sound; she
didn’t want to give herself away. “This
should be interesting,” she thought. She
was new to this, so she wasn’t exactly sure how it everything would down, but
she knew one thing for sure, she wanted to win.
Of course, as an Imperial Spy, not only did Cynthia want to win, she HAD
to win. The fate of the empire was depending solely upon Jane and herself. She couldn’t let the empire down.
Cynthia’s heart beat just a little bit faster as, Joe, their
team leader ordered everyone around the table to open their eyes. Ready or not,
this game of serious consequences was about to begin. As the team leader, Joe was the first to
begin. It was Joe’s job to select whom
he believed the best candidates were to go on the first mission in an attempt
to take down what the resistance believed to be an oppressive government. It was Cynthia’s job to keep her true identity
as a spy a secret and to infiltrate the resistance missions thereby causing
them to fail.
Joe looked around the table at each team member. “I think that Jane is a spy,” he
announced. Just look at the look on her
face. She’s not being honest. Cynthia tried to remain unassuming. Not only was it Cynthia’s job to take down resistance
missions, she also had a responsibility to protect Jane as well. “I agree,” Cynthia said, “I think that Jane could be a spy as well.
“ Tom, Cynthia’s father-in-law raised
his eyebrows but didn’t say anything. This
early in the game, anything was possible.
It was still too soon to know.
“For this mission, I choose myself, because I KNOW I am not a spy and
Cynthia,” Joe declared, “I think that Cynthia is innocent. It was now time for every team member to cast
their vote. Each person around the table
tossed down their voter cards. It was a unanimous
‘yes’ to this mission.
Cynthia now had a choice to make. Does she do what is in her power to fail this
mission or does she allow the resistance to complete it successfully, thereby
keeping her true identity a secret.
Cynthia contemplated her options as Joe provided them with the details
of the mission. Cynthia and Joe were to
sneak into the capital building, past multiple guards and break into the
president’s office in an attempt to locate and steal the paperwork that would
provide evidence of illegal trading practices.
Immediately Cynthia decided she would do all in her power to help this
mission succeed. By giving herself away
now, she knew that it would be clear that she was a spy working against the
resistance. She couldn’t take that risk
just yet…
So, my own critique of my story is that I am not altogether happy with it...I got bored and didn't want to delve too deeply into a mission, so this is just the opening of the story. Any of your thoughts?
I liked it! The game sounds pretty much spectacular too. It really made me want to play it. I think the set up you have going now is really suited for a novel but as a short, the conflict of Cynthia's risks and gambles needed to be felt more strongly. I did come to the conclusion that she might have been trained as a mean, green, killer machine but a hint of something like that would have added to the story. Aside from that, I thought it was really fun to read. I loved how Cynthia put Jane at risk with her own false doubt. That for me was the most exciting part. It got me thinking why they were working for the Emperor and how she was planing to protect Jane while completing her mission. I'd be really interested to see whether she failed, switched sides or succeeded and if one of them died or not. I checked into the game and I know there's no player elimination but the risk is definitely there. It was awesome!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Marette! I agree, my story is really more of a setup for something longer and there needed to be a little more motivation behind the character. I'll try to do better next time ;-)
ReplyDeleteNo, it was good! You always write well. Some of my faverite things are the stories you wrote when you weren't married and we all went to church together. They were the best!
DeleteWhitney, this is awesome! You hardly ever read stories that are about the empire spying on the rebels! I love it!
ReplyDeleteSadly, I have not played the game and I bet if I had I would better understand the story. But even without the game it is great!